Have you ever thought about leaving your marriage? That you just can’t keep on, if marriage is going to be like this?
I was years into marriage already, pouring myself into making it a success, believing that God would somehow turn it all for good in my life and the children’s lives, allowing the hard to purify me, and mold me more into Christ’s likeness, but things continued to worsen, and I was beginning to wonder how much longer I could survive this.
If you’re like me, the thought of leaving would surface every so often, but I would squash it down relentlessly. Some well-meaning people encouraged me to leave, but they immediately found themselves at arm’s length, because I couldn’t allow that kind of influence in my life.
It was wrong of me to even consider leaving, because I had married him “for better or for worse, ‘til death do us part”, and even if my marriage had turned out to be for the worse, I was determined to keep my promise. Some of my reasoning, though warped, was as follows.
Hard is not Bad - It's Helpful
Everyone knows the Christian life is not an easy one. There are constant challenges to grow in Christ’s likeness, and to overcome bad attitudes, bad habits, and bad behaviors.
Everyone knows that suffering hard things refines and purifies the Christian. As the fire heats hotter and hotter, the dross is brought to the surface, where it is skimmed off, leaving the remaining gold more pure and of higher value. The refiner waits patiently by to skim off the dross, and knows the process is complete when he can see his face perfectly reflected on its surface.
Everyone knows that submission is not easy. It is choosing to willingly bow my will to that of another, especially when I disagree – it’s not really submission if we are in agreement, right? So these struggles to submit are normal, aren’t they?
And everyone knows that Jesus calls His disciples to take up their cross daily and follow Him. If doing so means surrendering my own will and desires, then it is my duty—and privilege—to willingly pick up that cross. I can do so with joy, knowing that I have the opportunity to partake in His suffering and walk alongside Him.
So my marriage became my refining fire, my classroom in Christ-likeness, my cross, and my opportunity to learn submission as Christ learned submission (Phil. 2:1-8).
Have you ever felt like that?
Being a Good Wife Is Priority
Early in my marriage, I made a distinct choice that I was not going to think ill of my husband, but esteem him better than myself. So when his flaws would surface, I’d take that critical thought captive to Jesus, and instead find something I could appreciate about him. When he responded to things in ways that felt wrong to me, I refused to judge him, because each to his own master stands or falls (Romans 14:4). Instead, I would remind myself that things I did probably appeared wrong to him, as well, and I would pray for him, find something in which to encourage him, and release it to God.
I also determined early in my marriage that I would try to only speak respectfully of him and to him. Part of that meant that I was going to cover for him, if he was deficit in any area. Now, I recognize that I can respectfully speak the truth, and that is better for him, than covering his wrong-doing.
I chose to believe, by faith, that God was doing beautiful things in me, and in him, and turned a blind eye to what many others close to me could see. I put the best spin on every situation, because I so desperately wanted to believe that we could do this. But in reality, I was burying my head in the sand, hoping the worst would blow over.
I was taught that if I believe something needs to change, I am the one responsible for making that change, since I am in control of myself. The other person? Not so much.
I was a very talkative person, willing to give my opinion on anything, and often did so uninvited. In my family, that was normal, but my husband found it annoying, and often belittled or silenced my opinions.
Naturally, when he began to have a problem with my talkativeness, my opinions, etc., I felt it was my responsibility to change. I began speaking less. Trying to allow him more space to do things his way. I tried to keep my thoughts and opinions to myself unless asked. Tried, without success. Over the years, I gradually “improved”, but it was an on-going challenge. Perhaps because that is the way God made me, and I was trying to change something God had designed.
Because I believed that I needed to be the one to change, if there was something wrong, I was constantly looking for even the little ways I might have done better, and trying to correct those mistakes, but I couldn’t understand what I was doing wrong. It seemed that nothing ever really improved. Additionally, my husband was an expert on twisting the situation at any point to make me feel like I was the one in the wrong, and he was a victim of circumstances. Before I knew it, I’d find myself apologizing — for what? I scarcely knew.
Today, I realize that I was losing who I was, laying down my identity for him, and I now believe that God doesn’t want us to do that. He created us as we are to fulfill a special purpose, and if we lose who He created us to be, that purpose remains unfulfilled. He didn’t make a mistake when He created us, and then provide a husband that would re-make us. Neither did He solely make husbands with a purpose and then provide a wife to help them accomplish that purpose. Each of us has a purpose, and husbands and wives are to be a team, working together and complementing each other, as they both strive to fulfill God’s purpose for their lives.
Those were hard years. Every one of them. But I truly believed that I was living for Jesus, exactly as He would want me to. I was submitting cheerfully, maintaining respectful attitudes, even when I was hurt, disrespected, and misunderstood. I was humbling myself, becoming a servant, taking up my cross daily, and loving my husband selflessly, as 1 Cor. 13 teaches. I was imperfect at it, and many times, felt like I failed miserably, but each time I failed, I apologized and renewed my aim to love him as Jesus does. My heart was purely focused on serving Jesus well, in the place He had called me to serve, because He had done so much for me. And in the toughest times, I would imagine that my husband was Jesus, and try to serve him as I would serve Jesus if He was here.
It was my calling as wife, I believed, to submit to my husband as I would submit to Jesus, to encourage, support, and love him, whether he was worthy of it or not, simply because he was my husband, and I was his wife. Whether he was living worthy of that honor or respect was between him and God. Whether I submitted well, loved well, and supported well was between God and me. I also believed God had called me to pray for him, and to win him without a word by my chaste conversation.
So leaving my marriage would have been accepting failure at my calling in life. It was accepting defeat. Giving up. I couldn’t do that. I could do all things through Christ who strengthens me, and that meant that even if I died doing it, I could finish well the work I’d been called to do: making my husband a success, and bringing him to walk in the fullness of who God created him to be. Leaving my marriage was not an option, and I refused to let my mind dwell on it, even for a second.
Mindset Shift...
Then one day, it seemed that God was asking me to stop limiting Him. To stop tying His hands. It seemed He was asking me, “What if I want you to leave your marriage?”
Oh no, that couldn’t be God talking! He would never ask me to do something against His Word. I must have somewhere allowed the devil to whisper one of his lies to me. I doubled down even harder to purge that rebellious, ungodly thought from my mind.
But there lingered a small doubt: I could feel my mind slipping into an ever-growing brain fog. Could I maintain my Christian witness if I lost my mind? What would happen to the children if I lost my mind?
I decided surrender was the only path forward, and as I had done many times before, I surrendered to whatever God wanted for me. Well, partially, at least. My prayer went something like this:
“Lord, I can’t imagine that You would ever ask me to leave my marriage, but if You are asking that of me, make it extremely clear to me, that I would have no doubt. Until then, give me the strength to stay one more day.”
That became my daily prayer. Strength for one more day, unless He was to make it very clear that today was the day to leave.
For me, it was about serving the Lord well in the place He had called me to be. I could sacrifice myself and my desires, my comforts and my pleasures for the Lord, because He had done so much for me. This was but a small thing I could do to express my gratefulness for His salvation, His mercy, His constant presence, His love, His joy, His peace, and His faithfulness. No sacrifice was too great for my Jesus.
But one day, I awoke to the realization that I was not the only one suffering. My children were also suffering. In the past, I’d thought that I was powerless to change their circumstances, so God must be preparing them for a very difficult calling in the future to be taking them through so much suffering now. I tried to help them accept God’s work in their lives, to see His hand in it all, but it wasn’t working. They were becoming more and more angry at God, and I became concerned that they would stop trying to follow God, and turn against Him. At that point, my prayers began to change slightly.
“Lord, if You see that my husband will turn the children away from walking with You, would you please remove my husband from our lives? But not before I am sure he’s going to heaven! Please, God! I am trusting the children into Your hands knowing that You love them even more than I do, and even more than I do, You want them to be saved, so please! Carry them through these difficult days for Your honor and glory!”
That was but a small step in the whole mindset shift God was trying to orchestrate.
I’m not sure how He brought me to understand things so differently, but gradually, He began to show me that my children and I were being destroyed from the inside out. He showed me that if I continued to stay, I was personally harming my children as if I was actually mistreating them myself, because I was making it possible for my husband to harm them, and even covering for him, so that his wrong-doing was hidden.
I began to realize that real love would not keep enabling him to remain in his sin, but would bring his deeds to light, so he could grow and change to become the husband and father God wanted him to be.
Another realization was that my children not only needed to see their mother stand for what was true and right, but that they also needed to be able to observe healthy relationships, so they would no longer think these things were normal, as I had for so many years.
I also realized that if I didn’t stand for what was true and right, I would be held accountable to God for my part in letting the wrongs happen.
So I began to gently, respectfully stand up for my children when he was wrongfully accusing them. I began to step in between them, when he was becoming violent toward them, either physically or verbally. I began to plead their cases with him.
And the results were immediate – though not what I’d hoped for.
Immediately, he began to talk about divorce. He said he felt trapped in a marriage he no longer wanted to be in. I plead with him to go with me to get help. I firmly believed that with God, all things are possible, and I was unwilling to give up yet. I believed that with help, we could work through things, and become a happy, healthy family.
But I was to learn that, sadly, that isn’t always the case. In order for that to happen, all of the people involved have to be willing to do whatever it takes to work through the difficulties and challenges, to own their part in the conflict, and to humble themselves enough to acknowledge their needs, and work to grow. If even one person is unwilling to put in the work, it sabotages everyone else’s work, and restoration becomes impossible.
To leave the marriage felt like defeat. Failure. But God had made our way out exceptionally clear – had given us no choice really. And eventually, I recognized that God is not defeated by one person’s wrong choices. He is willing and ready to open a way through the Red Sea to freedom and peace on the other side. The beauty and fruitfulness He has planned for each of us may not look like we expected it to look, nor will it always shape up to be what we hoped it would be, but His plan is not defeated. He will bring beauty and fruitfulness, where once was chaos and barrenness. As our Redeemer, He will bring redemption to all the ugly places, as we let Him. He will fulfill His purposes through us.
Guidance and Comfort...
So don’t be afraid to be honest with God about what you are feeling. He already knows, but He is wanting you to be open with Him. His path for you may look different than His path for me. And that’s fine. Don’t limit God, or try to tell Him how to work in your situation.
Spend time being still with God, and allow Him to show you His path. He won’t lead you faster than He sees you are ready. And He will be with you each step of the way.
Study Scripture, and ask Him to show you His heart for the weak, the helpless, the captive, the oppressed, the forsaken and the weary. To which of these people can you most relate? Then look for Scriptures that speak God’s heart to those people. He loves you, and more than anything, He wants you to experience the peace and freedom that comes from walking with Him.
Sometimes, we can sense what God is asking of us, but the unknowns are scary. It feels like we will be making a huge mistake, and that we will surely perish. There are a few verses that have been an endless source of comfort and peace to me, and I want to share those with you now.
Psalm 23 – Here we get a clear picture of the peace and provision He longs for us to experience. But there are two parts I came to understand recently in a new light that have become so precious to me.
First, when He says He leads us in paths of righteousness for His name’s sake, He is saying that He has taken on Himself the responsibility to keep us in the path of right living, not because we deserve it, nor because we are such obedient sheep, nor even because we know His voice so well, but because that is Who He is! He can not allow us to be led astray, without bringing us back.
Second, when it talks about walking through the valley of the shadow of death, I realized, one day, that it is not meaning the actual transition from this life to heaven, as I’d always thought. Instead, it is speaking of valleys that we experience in this life as a result of our decisions and choices, and it became so precious to me that He chooses to walk those valleys of consequences with us. It is the journey together that He wants – that intimacy that comes between us when we go through hard things together.
Joshua 1:9 – It doesn’t get better than that: a sure promise that no matter where we go, He is with us, and we have nothing to fear. Whether we are led to stay in a difficult marriage, or to walk the difficult path of separation, He walks it with us.
The final promise I want to mention here, has become a firm favorite over the years. Deuteronomy 4:4 – “But ye that did cleave unto the Lord your God, are alive every one of you this day.” The audience here was the children of Israel who had been younger than 20 years old when they had been afraid to enter the land of Canaan. Indicated here is a reminder that if you do not choose to believe and trust God, there is death in the wilderness. But this audience had chosen to believe God, to cling to Him, and they were on the brink of a new and beautiful land of blessing. They had not only survived – they were fixin’ to thrive!
As you choose to trust Him, and follow Him through the wilderness, don’t forget that His end goal is the Promised land where, if you cling to Him, you will not only survive, but thrive! That is my prayer for you today — that you will thrive in His presence, wherever He leads you, even if He leads you to leave.
