Ever feel like everyone knows what you should be doing, except you? Do you feel like they all have the answer, but few have even heard the problem?
Does the cloud of advice floating around you feel confusing and overwhelming?
It can be especially challenging to sort through it all. What will be truly helpful, and what will produce long-term results? Will it prove ineffective or unhelpful down the road?
Then, if it isn’t hard enough to choose whose advice to take, add the additional complication of brain fog and trauma-induced emotional disregulation, and it becomes nearly impossible to navigate.
It would be easier to just let someone dictate for you what to do, and blindly follow their leading. In fact, I tried that, and it is one of the biggest regrets I have today.
No matter how familiar with your situation your advisor is, they are not qualified to make your decisions for you, nor to tell you definitively what to do. They do not have to live with the consequences or effects of their decisions. You have the same Holy Spirit they do, and the Holy Spirit will faithfully guide you into the right path. Let His peace give you assurance and clarity, before you move forward.
I found that even the most well-meaning people were unreliable sources of help. Much of the advice I received was what I’d already been living by for years, without success, so I was not about to waste another bunch of years trying again.
I needed a new and fresh perspective. I needed real answers. I needed help. But my very foundation was shaken, as my world flipped upside-down, and I didn’t know what that help should look like.
My journey to finding help was frustrating at best, but perhaps with a few pointers, you will not find it so difficult.
A good support system is essential to our healing.
Here are some of the people that are important in any support system.
Friends – People who will stand by you, defend you, speak truth to keep you grounded, and who will keep your confidences, refusing to gossip about you or your situation. People who are available at any time of the day to listen, to point you to Jesus, and to remind you of truth.
Pastors – People who can answer your questions with Biblical answers, and who can connect you with the resources you need.
Domestic Violence Shelters – People who can help you discover what resources are available to you, especially financially, and who can perhaps connect you with a lawyer for legal advice. They can also help you create a safety plan.
A church – These people don’t all have to know the details of your story, but they need to be committed to meeting your needs in any way they can, emotionally, physically, and spiritually, as much as possible. They need to be committed to protecting you and your privacy.
Lay-counselor – an older, wiser, or more experienced person, perhaps someone who has traveled this path before you, to whom you can go with questions, and expect that they will be
able to understand what you’re going through, or help you connect with someone who can help you. They need to be committed to protecting you and your privacy.
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Licensed Therapist – Trauma-Informed is a must, and trained in EMDR is a plus. These people will be able to help you understand what has happened in your brain as a result of the trauma, how to overcome the trauma triggers, and how to retrain your trauma responses.
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Lawyer – someone you can ask all the legalities you will face, regarding child custody, etc. Even if you are not filing for divorce, it is helpful to have legal advice.
Be aware of those who feel that you need to listen to them exclusively, or who believe you should not be seeking help professionally. It is a bit like a family doctor thinking he needs to perform a triple bypass surgery, instead of seeking out a skilled cardiologist and surgeon for the task.
Here are some questions you should consider before you call a potential therapist:
Do you want a male or female counselor?
Do you want a Christian or secular counselor?
Do you have insurance or will it be self-pay?
Do you want medication? EMDR?
Will you want weekly sessions, monthly sessions, or more/less frequent?
Will you need them to meet with you, your husband, your children, or groups?
Do you care whether it is Biblical versus Christian?
Let me address each of these questions in order with some of what I’ve learned.
Male or Female: At first, I was looking for a female, because my father had drilled into me how inappropriate male/female counseling situations were, but God led me to a male therapist in spite of my efforts to find a female, and I now see His wisdom in that.
I needed to know that my therapist was not becoming emotionally swayed by the details of my situation, and was not giving me emotion-based advice. His level-headed, rational, advice was delivered in a non-emotional, straight-forward way, and I found I needed that stability.
I was originally getting help for myself, so never dreamed that my therapist could become involved with my husband, my pastor, and my daughter’s therapist, but it became a huge advantage to have a male therapist, especially where my husband and pastor were involved.
In my case, my therapist was also a pastor, with a strong, Biblical foundation, and I found that that was a huge benefit in helping me untwist the false teaching I’d been spoon-fed since childhood. I needed the confidence that he knew his Bible, and I needed him to be able to back his answers with Scripture.
Christian or Secular: I was pretty solid in my belief that I needed a Christian therapist, because I had been taught to fear being mislead by humanistic reasoning, and I nearly forfeited getting professional help at all, because I couldn’t find Biblical counseling I trusted. But as I’ve had a bit more exposure to the field of therapy and counseling, I have come to realize that even secular counseling has benefit. You might have to be a bit more alert, and trust your instincts, if something feels off to you, but there is much that you can learn from a trauma-informed secular therapist, as well as a Christian therapist.
Insurance or Self-Pay: The more I called the various therapists and clinics, the more I began to notice a pattern. Those who were solidly Biblical in their practice were unable to accept insurance, and those who accept insurance are most likely more of a secular nature. Especially if the insurance is through the state. I believe this is because when therapy is approved by the state, the clinic has less freedom to implement Biblical principles in its practice. I was blessed to find a place that was trauma-informed, Biblical counseling, even if it was self-pay, but I know places like that are rare. Usually, Biblical counseling is less likely to be trauma-informed.
Medication? EMDR? I have not had personal experience with either one of these options yet, but know that it takes a different type of licensing if either one of these are to be used. From what I’ve read, and from talking with friends of mine who have experienced medication and EMDR, I believe both can be very helpful. Medication may only be needed for a short time, hopefully, but can be helpful to regain healthy sleep patterns, or to overcome trauma triggers. There may be other uses, too. EMDR helps to reorganize the brain, filing the information in new ways that helps reduce the level of trauma associated with certain memories. I hope to one day be able to do EMDR, but haven’t had the privilege yet.
How frequent? I found that earlier on, more frequent was more helpful, and as my life became more stable, and more trauma-free, I needed it less frequently. But it also depended a lot on what I could afford, so you will have to just consider your factors, and do the best you can.
Group Meetings: This is solely determined by your situation. For me, it was helpful for the therapist to be able to meet with myself and my children, together, when we faced difficult conflicts. It was also good to be able to try couple’s therapy, and for my therapist to be able to work together with my daughter’s therapist, but the details of your specific situation will determine whether that flexibility is something you need or not.
Biblical VS. Christian: You wouldn’t think there should be a lot of difference here, but I found that there was. When I would call a clinic or therapist claiming to be Christian, often I didn’t hear anything about God or the Bible in our conversation, but when talking to a Biblical therapist, the Bible was the basis for almost everything they said. Both have their place I’m sure, but for what I was needing, I was looking for Biblical. In hindsight, I have realized that I was exceptionally blessed to find a Biblical counselor who was also trauma-informed, and aware of all the same techniques that Christian and secular counselors use, but you may have difficulty finding that. If you can’t find a trauma-informed Biblical counselor, you need to be very alert, as the Biblical counselor will be less inclined to teach you the skills you need to overcome your triggers and learned trauma-responses, which is important for healing.
I know today’s blog has been a little bit different than my typical blog, but I hope it has been helpful and practical in guiding you to find a therapist/counselor that is right for you and your family. Perhaps some day, I can share some of what I learned from my therapist, as well as a semi-bad experience with another therapist.
Let me end on an encouraging note.
None of us are too broken to be useful in God’s Kingdom. None too shattered to find healing and redemption.
Think of a clay vessel with a candle inside.
The more broken the vessel, the more the light can reach the outside.
May 30, 2025
Think, too, of how you, as a broken vessel, feel when in company with other perfect vessels. Do you not feel like shrinking into yourself, withdrawing from their sight? Do you not feel that you may contaminate them with your brokenness and filth, if you come near them? Or at least they seem to think so. And if you feel that way, you can be sure other broken vessels feel the same way.
But then, think of how you feel when you are with other broken vessels. You are at ease. You are seeking hope and healing together. Then, as a broken vessel, you are the perfect one to bring other broken vessels with you to the foot of the cross, to find Hope and Healing together. Perhaps you, alone, are the very one that can reach those other broken vessels, because they have made themselves inaccessible to the perfect vessels. As broken vessels, we may not have much strength, but in our weakness, He has promised that His strength is best displayed, and what better thing to do with our brokenness than to help other broken vessels, by our Master’s strength, to find life and hope at the foot of the cross?
There is a beauty in brokenness that our Master values, where we see only splinters and irreparable shatters. He is our Redeemer, bringing redemption to the most shattered parts of our lives, and in Him, there is always hope. Hang in there! There are better days ahead.
If you are here local to me, I can recommend the Pratt Clinic in Jackson, TN, Sound Mind Counseling, and Rose Counseling, both in Henderson, TN. My favorite is the Pratt Clinic, because they offer such a wide range of services from medicinal to child-therapy, from individuals to couples, including EMDR, from a solid Biblical perspective, as well as being trauma-informed.
The Pratt Clinic
(731)660-0199
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Sound Mind Counseling
(731)630-0800
https://soundmindcounseling.us
Rose Counseling
(731)520-7673
https://www.rosecounselingtn.com