Have you ever been paralyzed into inaction because you were afraid you would misstep, or make a mistake?
I’ve read of minefields where a small misstep can lead to a whole team of men being injured or killed. I can imagine being one of those soldiers, paralyzed by fear, struggling to advance an inch, praying for safety with each step. And sometimes, my life feels a little like that, but I must go through it — in the dark!
I still remember when I had to escape my abusive marriage. I was nearly paralyzed by fear of making the wrong decision. A decision that would have life-altering consequences to everyone I loved; most of all my husband and children.
Back then, my childhood training was still very strong: the only safe place is in the center of God’s will. We need to be very certain that we are in the center of God’s will before we take a step. Much like the minefield. But years later, I have come to realize that life is not a minefield.
It is a guided tour with beautiful scenery along the way. Yes, there are dark hallways to grope through from time to time, but always, our Guide is with us, and His voice reassures us.
The problem was that I had been taught to doubt whether I was truly hearing the Guide’s voice, and trained to rely on the voices of other tourists around me to discern which way to go. Along with me, these tourists had never been here before, though some were further ahead, shouting back encouragement and instruction to those of us who straggled behind.
But the Guide knew every bump and crack in the uneven floor, He knew every corner and turn in the narrow passages. He was always just a whisper away from anyone needing guidance. He had been the renowned Guide of choice for many centuries, and would continue to be for all tourists to come. He could be relied upon to never abandon any one, no matter how injured or broken they were, and He promised to make the tour well worth the visit, if the tourists would just rely on Him and trust Him. He promised better things than any of the tourists could imagine, and all who had decided to take the tour, found that He spoke the truth. It is not in His nature to lie: He is Truth personified.
So, when my life took a crazy turn, and I found myself compelled to escape an abusive marriage, I was nearly paralyzed by the fear of making a misstep. I still believed I was traversing a minefield, and if I didn’t know exactly where and how to step, it would cost me the lives of all I held especially dear.
At my elbow, I could hear the Guide nudging me forward.
“Have not I commanded thee? Be strong and of a good courage; be not afraid, neither be thou dismayed: for the Lord thy God is with thee whithersoever thou goest.” (Joshua 1:9)
“But Lord– You wanted me to be a submissive wife, and I feel like I am not being submissive! You wanted me to win my husband without a word, and here I am, giving up! You wanted to work everything together for my good, but if I walk out of the situation, how can You do that? Are You sure you’re not disappointed in me? Are You sure You’re still going to go with me, even through separation?”
Only the Guide knew how to calm my fears, and empower me to take the next step forward: assuring me that He was in control of even the smallest details. That He was not surprised by this twist in my life’s journey. That He was not defeated by even this. That He would indeed be with me, even through separation.
I still remember the night I was questioning the choice I’d made to leave. I was realizing that the choice to separate might be more permanent than I had wanted it to be. I was devastated, feeling that I must have made the wrong choice, and my children would be the casualties.
But my Guide so patiently asked, “Weren’t you crying out to Me for answers in the moment?”
“Yes, Lord, I was. I had no idea what was right or best.”
“Did you think that I would answer? Or why were you asking?”
“I guess I was asking because I had no one else to ask, but I’m afraid I only hoped You would answer. I’m not sure I actually believed You would, or at least not in a way I could know for sure was You, unless my husband, father, or pastor would tell me what to do.” (Yep. Relying on those other tourists, yet.)
“Do you remember what happened next?” He prodded, gently.
“Of course! How could I forget? My daughter came to me with a severe allergic reaction, and we had to leave to go spend the night somewhere else.”
“That was My answer. I was making it crystal clear to you that you needed to leave.”
“That was You? How can I know for sure? I need to know so I don’t have to keep doubting myself…”
“Who controls the mice?”
Reality began to soak in, as I turned my tear-filled eyes to His face. “That WAS You! You control the mice! And You knew me, that that was one thing I would not/could not ignore! Thank You! Now I can rest in knowing that whatever happens, You are with me, and guiding me every step of the way. Thank You!”
That was the first step in a journey of learning to understand that my life was not a minefield but a guided tour. Each step along the way was intended to result in beauty and joy, instead of pain and death. Each choice was a decision to rest in my Guide’s sovereignty and presence, instead of deciding to cower in fear of failure and loss.
And through it all, even if I make a mistake, God has promised to be with me, whithersoever I go.