I thought he loved me.
I was crazy about him – at first. And as the years passed by, and the reality of who I had married became evident, I continued to pour myself into loving him well, because that was what I believed a wife should do.
Can you relate? Have you continued to choose to love even when you are mistreated, devalued, and neglected? Have you chosen to continue to respect your husband even when he openly disrespects you? And when he fails to fulfill his responsibilities, do you find yourself covering for him? Shielding his reputation by making excuses for him?
That was definitely me.
And I believed that he was also loving me like that.
I guess if I’d been honest with myself, I would have known that he wasn’t always looking out for the children and me above himself. I would have known that he wasn’t doing everything he did with my well-being at the forefront of his mind. But where he fell short, I found myself still believing the best of him, and striving, myself, to be a better wife.
So I was in for a painful shock when I was faced with the reality of what love really is, and the realization of the truth – that he didn’t love me, and never had.
Author of Real Love
God is love, the author of love, and therefore the One who defines love.
We can say “I love you”, but if we don’t know how God defines love, are we being truthful? In reality, we can not know that we love someone until we learn what love really is, and measure our lives by that standard.
In 1 Corinthians 13, God defines love for us, according to His standard, and I found it eye-opening to look at what this passage teaches, as it might apply to marriage.
Real Love in Marriage, Defined
When we say to our husband, “I love you”, what we are really saying is this:
“I am patient with you.
“I am kind to you.
“I’m not jealous about your happiness, about your promotion.
“I don’t brag about myself around you. I’m never arrogant with you.
“I don’t act in an unattractive or unbecoming way around you.
“I never seek my own. I only seek your good.
“I’m never provoked.
“I never take into account any wrong you’ve done to me. I never bring it up. The moment you do it, I forgive you and I remember it no more.
“I never rejoice in unrighteousness but only in the truth.
“And with you, my dear husband, I bear all things. All your short-comings, all your failures, I bear with them.
“I believe all things. When you say you’re going to start anew, I believe you. When you say you’re sorry, I believe you. When you say you’re going to try to never do that again, I never say to you “Yeah, you’ve said that a hundred times.” I believe you.
“I endure all things. Whatever you throw at me, I endure it. Because my love never fails.”
Do you see how your perspective of love changes, when you see how God defines love?
I still remember the first time I heard this.
It was a Wednesday night, several months after I had had to leave my husband.
I was struggling with feelings of failure. People told me I didn’t love my husband as I should have.
I was also questioning whether my husband had ever really loved me, because he was so quick to give up on our marriage.
I had wanted to try to work together toward healing and restoration, but he had thrown in the towel, and made it very clear that he had put all the effort into our marriage that he was going to.
He was just done.
That Wednesday evening, we chose to watch a video by Paul Washer on marriage and family. We didn’t have time to listen to the entire message, but in the excerpt we heard, this was the portion that hit me hard.
Disappointment
Tears began running down my face, as I realized that my husband had never loved me like that.
He had never been patient, and was kind to me only when he wanted something from me.
I’m not sure if he was jealous of me when I was happy or promoted, but he had a way of sucking the joy out of it. Additionally, he was constantly bragging about himself to me, and arrogant.
At first, he was careful to speak courteously, but eventually that carefulness was replaced by severe verbal abuse.
By his own admission, he only made decisions for the children’s and my good about 50% of the time. I had suspected as much, but always found some kind of excuse for how he might have reasoned that it was for our good.
He was easily provoked, and spent many days in a provoked state.
He was quick to assume I’d wronged him intentionally, and harbored resentment against me.
He couldn’t bear my short-comings at all, so I tried my hardest to overcome them, but it seemed he could never see progress, and was constantly bringing them up in my face.
When I failed and got angry, it seemed that he would almost gloat, saying things like, “You’re cute even when you’re angry.”
When I would apologize for an attitude or a mistake, he would never respond with forgiveness, but further heap the blame and guilt on me or make fun of me.
Many times, my husband would turn on me for even a perceived mistake, punish me for hours or days, and then try to prove that he still loved me, and I would cling to the hope that it was real every time.
It had always been this way, even on our honeymoon. It was painful to realize that he had never loved me, despite the many times he’d said, “I love you”. This was not God’s definition of love.
Then following on the heels of that realization, came the question: Have I loved him with the real love God expresses here?
Guilt Lifted
As I was in the habit of doing, I began measuring myself by the measuring stick of Scripture.
And I was surprised to discover my love for him had been real:
I was patient with him, many times, beyond what I would have imagined possible.
I was kind to him, in every way I could remember.
I genuinely rejoiced in any promotion he received, and applauded his successes.
I never thought of myself as better or more important than he, nor did I ever tell him “I told you so.” I was genuinely sorry if I was right at his expense.
I always thought of him first, in everything I did or said; and in any decisions I made, he was my first consideration, even after I had to leave.
I was rarely angry, striving to always have compassion for him.
I was quick to forgive any wrong he committed, and never held anything against him.
I was slow to believe he had failed in any area, and always quick to believe the best about him.
I tried to never complain about any of his short-comings, but to just accept them with forgiveness, love, and compassion.
I always chose to believe him, if he said he was going to change, or that he was sorry.
No matter what happened, I continued loving him.
Through my tears of gratefulness, I heard my Father speak softly to me:
“I have seen how you have loved him. What has happened is not because of you. It is because of his choices. He has chosen to love himself instead of loving you and the children.”
“But Lord,” I countered, “I was not perfect. There were times when I didn’t do as I should have. Perhaps some of this is my fault…”
“My Child, I know you are human, and frail in your ability to live a holy life, but I also see that your heart is pure toward Me, and toward your husband. You are not self-seeking (which is the opposite of true love), but whole-heartedly seeking to be the wife you thought I wanted you to be. You humbly made things right where you failed; and always strove to be obedient to My Spirit’s little nudges. I’m proud of who you have become, and I do not condemn you where you have fallen short.”
Can you hear Him now whispering to you? What is He saying?
It’s important to filter out all the other voices that are telling us how badly we have failed, and remember, that His voice will not be condemning. He loves you in the fullest, most beautiful fulfillment of real love. Rest in that love.
You are Loved
It is hard to come to the realization that someone we thought loved us never did. It makes us feel that we must not be worthy of love, but that is far from the truth.
Jesus loves you so completely, that He gave His life for you from the moment He left heaven, to the moment that He returned in the form of the Holy Spirit to dwell with you, and to walk with you through all the hard and ugly this life brings.
He really loves you, and that’s a fact you can count on.